i think my tv is drunk
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
