If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
