I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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