Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
