I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
