Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
