I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
