Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
