Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
