why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
