You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
