the condom got lost in my hair
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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