Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
