So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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