Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
