two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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