can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
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