The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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