chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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