He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
