Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
