i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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