I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can't turn off my feet"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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