yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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