so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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