Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
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