I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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