you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
