last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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