is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
