Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
