Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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