I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
