you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
