I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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