he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
