I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Blow job season was short but glorious.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
