You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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