My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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