Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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