420 ftw
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
