I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
