Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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