If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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