Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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