why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
