Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
