butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
