I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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