One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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