His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
