i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
