I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
